Discernment Counseling or Relationship Direction Counseling
(An Alternative to Couples Counseling)
*I follow a similar process to that which Doherty created but a bit different.
*See Value Statement Below where I clarify my personal stance on Divorce etc..
Experiencing turbulence in your marriage often leads to a pivotal juncture in your life. It's a crossroads fraught with questions like:
What's the best course of action for our relationship?
Is this marital unrest a temporary phase or a more profound crisis?
Am I ready to put effort into mending things?
How can I ensure that my decision is the best one for me, or for both of us?
Are there any unseen issues that I've overlooked?
Is my partner truly capable of changing?
Is it fair to demand change from them if it contradicts their true self?
How will our children be impacted? Would a troubled marriage or a divorce serve them better?
Have I fully understood the implications of a divorce?
Deciding whether to stay married or divorce involves navigating through a complex labyrinth of considerations that can be overwhelming even for the most discerning of individuals.
Such a monumental decision can lead to self-doubt, overthinking, and in some cases, even depression. It may provoke you to make a hasty decision just to escape the torment of uncertainty.
For those trapped in this indecisiveness, discernment counseling can serve as a lifeline.
The Two-Sided Nature of Traditional Marriage Counseling
Traditional marriage counseling can indeed be beneficial if both partners are equally committed to working on their relationship. For it to work, it is a demanding journey, spanning many months, where both partners need to learn and employ new insights and skills to reform their relationship. The commitment must be unwavering; if one partner hesitates from the onset, it might cripple the process. If one partner does not engage in shifting perspectives, it will stall the progress.
Individual Therapy: A Partial Solution
One partner might choose to undergo therapy alone. While this could positively influence the marriage dynamic, it's often insufficient. The roots of the issue usually extend deep into the dynamic the couple has established over the years, and breaking the harmful patterns often requires a concerted effort. Further, some individual approaches can work against the relationship with rigid boundaries that do not allow the risk reach reassure process that is essential for restoring a love bond.
The Path of Discernment Counseling
If you find yourself uncertain about the future of your marriage, discernment counseling could be the answer. Its primary objective is not to fix your marital issues, but to determine if they are fixable. From there you can proceed on one of three paths:
Path One: Maintaining the Status Quo - This is the path of inaction or continuation of the marriage as it currently stands. In this scenario, the couple decides not to make any drastic changes and to continue with their current patterns of interaction.
Path Two: Separation/Divorce - This path involves deciding to end the marriage. It's chosen when one or both partners feel they cannot continue in the relationship and believe the healthiest choice for them is to separate or divorce.
Path Three: Commitment to Change - This is the path of reconciliation and active work on the marriage. Here, both partners decide to commit to a structured and intensive process of couples therapy, often for a specified period, to try and resolve their issues and rebuild their relationship. This path typically involves ongoing couples therapy and requires both partners to actively engage in change.
Unlike traditional marriage counseling, which generally aims to salvage the marriage, discernment counseling concentrates on helping couples decide their relationship's future.
Discernment counseling offers:
A structured assessment process, not treatment
A predetermined time, typically less than five sessions
A chance to slow down, take a broader view of your marriage, and consider a wider range of choices
An opportunity to get unstuck and move forward
A focus on key areas each spouse needs to address, providing clear direction for future therapy
A question to ponder: "Are you willing to work on changing your contributions to the marriage?"
A set time to reflect on the issues and choose 1. the Status Quo, 2. to work on the Marriage, 3. to proceed with Divorce.
If both partners state they want to proceed with marriage counseling, they can proceed with intense work on their marriage. After six months, they revisit the 3 pathways to ensure movement rather than staying in an endless cycle that inevitably leads to divorce but is prolonged by the status quo or marriage counseling that has not led to a trajectory of changes that is positive.
Even if one spouse decides to end the marriage after five sessions, the process of reviewing the marriage's history and exploring the behaviors that led to the divorce can be beneficial. This reflective process can help you move into future relationships without residual guilt.
Discernment counseling provides a supportive environment, helping both partners make movement to work on the marriage or proceed to divorce rather than remain in a negative relationship that usually, after years, leads to divorce (grey divorce).
Additionally, couples who choose to work on their marriage post-discernment counseling will have identified key areas in the relationship and for each spouse to address, directing future therapy to effect personal and relational changes.
IF Committing to 6 Mos of Couples Counseling:
EXAMPLES OF PERSONAL AGENDAS FOR CHANGE
Husband:
1. More sensitive in words and actions when confronted with a problem, instead of shutting down or getting angry.
2. More assertive in conflict in a constructive manner.
3. Be more present with loved ones.
Wife:
1. Handling anxiety better so as not to get either overwhelmed, then controlling or erupting.
2. Learn how to express my feelings without flooding the other person with too many specifics.
3. Learn how to deal with my panic in a conversation when I feel blocked.
4. Learn how to take better care of myself, including exercising, eating better, and not drinking as much alcohol.
Husband
1. Work on my reactivity so that I can more tolerant, less easily annoyed. Learn the cues to when I get reactive.
2. Take better care of myself and my health, mentally and physically.
3. Live in the present and with focus instead of so much worry and anxiety.
4. Be more persistent, stick things out during rocky times (instead of quitting jobs when things get stressful, which has been a source of stress for the marriage, and quitting an earlier marriage)
Wife
1. Resist overfunctioning, find a healthy level of functioning
2. Accepting differences when I am finding them difficult
3. Being healthier and enjoying my life more
4. Better boundaries and less caretaking
Husband
1. Overall, manage my anxiety in a healthier way, so that:
2. I can fill my own happiness bucket and not be as dependent, and
3. Have more goals and make more decisions
(Nice line: "Anxiety turns off my brain and I shrink into a corner.")
Wife
1. When challenged, be more outward instead of ignoring, internalizing, or creating a barrier.
2. Be more open with emotions, both soft and hard.
3. Be more patient with the pace of my expectations of how things should go. Part of this is to be more spontaneous, not just plan and be frustrated.
4. Be more "dependent," more willing to ask for help, and not try to be everything to everyone.
[She applied these to the marriage and work relationships.]
Wife:
1. Setting boundaries and keeping them.
2. More ability to negotiate differences: not being black and white and not blowing up when I'm hurt or surprised.
3. Find a way to be appropriately helpful to others instead of being dysfunctionally helpful by picking up the pieces for others and then feeling taken for granted and resentful.
Husband:
1. Be honest and truthful at all times, instead of lying to avoid unpleasant situations.
2. Be better able to handle conflict--neither lying nor yelling to get the person to back off.
3. Higher self-esteem so that I can handle criticism without feeling like a failure who is being chopped down, abused and belittled.
4. Communicate better, be able to talk things through and not "go for the jugular."
AGREEMENT TO PURSUE RECONCILIATION
Having decided to try to restore our marriage to health,
• We each commit to an all-out effort over the next six months, with divorce off the table for this period of time.
• We know that this effort will mean working on ourselves individually and as a couple.
• We will try to bring our best selves to this effort, and to treat each other with respect and dignity even when we are upset with each other.
• We promise to not bring up the threat of divorce out of anger or to get the other to go along with something we want.
• We will only confide in people who will support our work on reconciliation.
• If our relationship is not improving, we will raise a concern early rather than keeping silent and planning an exit.
• We will use the resources that can help us succeed, being as flexible as possible with our time and schedules.
______________________________ ____________________________
Signed Signed
Date: _______________________