Couples Counseling
Are you experiencing struggles like those in the video to the left? Or are you experiencing even greater relationship distress with endless and escalated conflict? As your Marriage or Relationship therapist we will:
*Map the underlying negative cycles of fighting and disconnection
*Learn how to communicate with each other and really hear one another
*Create and restore safety in your marriage or relationship
*Reignite sexual intimacy
*Learn how to enjoy each others company again
*Restore Hope
If you are unsure about couples counseling, I also offer discernment counseling (Keep scrolling for that section).
Why Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?
- This model is the gold standard in terms of empirical support on its effectiveness (up to 70% recovery rate https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-relationships/202101/the-most-effective-couples-therapy-far ).
- It targets the roots of the emotional bond and naturally leads to enhanced communication.
- It doesn't take sides. We work on the process that allows for you both to find a solution to problems (its not me telling you who is right or wrong).
- Other couple therapy approaches have a low rate of long term success.
- It creates the groundwork for healing relationship trauma's such as infidelity.
Take a Quick Relationship Assessment
ARE-questionnaire.pdfGet to Know Me. Short Video I made in Grad School on EFT.
Discernment Counseling or Relationship Direction Counseling
(An Alternative to Couples Counseling)
*I follow a similar process to that which Doherty created.
Experiencing turbulence in your marriage often leads to a pivotal juncture in your life. It's a crossroads fraught with questions like:
What's the best course of action for our relationship?
Is this marital unrest a temporary phase or a more profound crisis?
Am I ready to put effort into mending things?
How can I ensure that my decision is the best one for me, or for both of us?
Are there any unseen issues that I've overlooked?
Is my partner truly capable of changing?
Is it fair to demand change from them if it contradicts their true self?
How will our children be impacted? Would a troubled marriage or a divorce serve them better?
Have I fully understood the implications of a divorce?
Deciding whether to stay married or divorce involves navigating through a complex labyrinth of considerations that can be overwhelming even for the most discerning of individuals.
Such a monumental decision can lead to self-doubt, overthinking, and in some cases, even depression. It may provoke you to make a hasty decision just to escape the torment of uncertainty.
For those trapped in this indecisiveness, discernment counseling can serve as a lifeline.
The Two-Sided Nature of Traditional Marriage Counseling
Traditional marriage counseling can indeed be beneficial if both partners are equally committed to working for their relationship. It's a demanding journey, spanning many months, where both partners need to learn and employ new skills to reform their relationship. The commitment must be unwavering; if one partner hesitates from the onset, it might cripple the process.
Individual Therapy: A Partial Solution
One partner might choose to undergo therapy alone. While this could positively influence the marriage dynamic, it's often insufficient. The roots of the issue usually extend deep into the dynamic the couple has established over the years, and breaking the harmful patterns often requires a concerted effort. Further, some individual approaches can work against the relationship with rigid boundaries that do not allow the risk reach reassure process that is essential for restoring a love bond.
The Path of Discernment Counseling
If you find yourself uncertain about the future of your marriage, discernment counseling could be the answer. Its primary objective is not to fix your marital issues, but to determine if they are fixable. From there you can proceed on one of three paths:
Path One: Maintaining the Status Quo - This is the path of inaction or continuation of the marriage as it currently stands. In this scenario, the couple decides not to make any drastic changes and to continue with their current patterns of interaction.
Path Two: Separation/Divorce - This path involves deciding to end the marriage. It's chosen when one or both partners feel they cannot continue in the relationship and believe the healthiest choice for them is to separate or divorce.
Path Three: Commitment to Change - This is the path of reconciliation and active work on the marriage. Here, both partners decide to commit to a structured and intensive process of couples therapy, often for a specified period, to try and resolve their issues and rebuild their relationship. This path typically involves ongoing couples therapy and requires both partners to actively engage in change.
Unlike traditional marriage counseling, which generally aims to salvage the marriage, discernment counseling concentrates on helping couples decide their relationship's future.
Discernment counseling offers:
A structured assessment process, not treatment
A brief, typically less than five sessions
A chance to slow down, take a broader view of your marriage, and consider a wider range of choices
An opportunity to get unstuck and move forward
A focus on key areas each spouse needs to address, providing clear direction for future therapy
A question to ponder: "Are you willing to work on changing your contributions to the marriage?"
If both partners can answer "yes" to this question, they can proceed with intense work on their marriage. After six months, they revisit the divorce question, equipped with greater clarity about their marriage's potential.
Potential Benefits Regardless of the Outcome
Even if one spouse decides to end the marriage after five sessions, the process of reviewing the marriage's history and exploring the behaviors that led to the divorce can be beneficial. This reflective process can help them move into future relationships without residual guilt.
Discernment counseling can provide a supportive environment, helping both partners adjust to the idea of divorce, reducing the potential for high-intensity conflict typically associated with divorce situations. This is particularly important when children are involved, often resulting in the couple seeking mediation for the divorce instead of two opposing attorneys.
The Path Forward: Focusing on the Marriage
Couples who choose to work on their marriage post-discernment counseling will have identified key areas for each spouse to address, directing future therapy to effect personal changes.
The homework is split into three stages according to the stage you are in. If you don't the stage your in, ask me.
STAGE 1 HOMEWORK
Review Your Cycle Individually and then Together
Identify the dysfunctional dance
When you find yourself feeling disconnected or there is some tension, what do you do?
Write it down. Do you Probe, blame, get critical, ask questions, interrogate, tell your spouse how to improve, express anger, demand attention, complain or do you shut down, get defensive stonewall, leave, get logical, change the subject, refuse to talk, think about getting away, chase your spouse, freeze, not respond, minimize, focus elsewhere, numb out or something else?
When feeling disconnected or their is tension, "I tend to do_______________________(choose from the list above or with something you identified), often in an attempt to contain the interaction or resolve the feelings of disconnection.
Now, I want you to think about how your actions above are attempts to move towards and away from your spouse.
You move toward your partner by_________________
&
You move away from your partner by______________
Identify how you see your moves and your partners moves.
“The more I_____________________, the more you (your partner) ____________________ , And, then the more I _______________________ and around it goes over.
Once you have identified the cycle, share with your partner. Then, identify how your moves are perceived by your partner (I want you to think their subjective reality that is different from you own).
“The more you (your partner) ____________________, the more I _______________________. And then the more you (your partner) ______________________ and around and round we go.”
Using the emotions chart above, identify some of the emotions you feel when there is tension or disconnection.
“When I feel _____________________, I _____________________,
(hard or hot emotion) (action) And then you (your partner) _________________ and I hear it as a message saying something like ‘_______________________________’ and then I feel (meaning)___________________. And then I ___________________. And around and around we go.”
“When I feel ______________________________, I ________________________ (action). You (your partner) hear this as me sending a message to you that says something like “______________________________________” and you feel ______________________________(meaning) (hard or hot emotion) and then you _____________________ and I think you’re sending me a message (action) message that says something like “_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________”(the meaning/attribution I give to my partner’s response) then I feel __________________________________ and then I ___________________________________. (hard or hot emotion) (action)And around and around we go.”
DISCUSS THE CYCLE
When do you remember this cycle showing up?
Is there anything from your past that may contribute to how you respond to contain the interaction or disconnection?
STOP THE CYCLE
Ok, so you have found yourself in the cycle. Call it out: "we are doing that thing again that keeps us disconnected." Then go to opposite sides of the room.
Slow and when you feel ready, step closer to your partner. 2. Breathe and when you feel ready, step closer to your partner. 3. Look into each others eyes and try and feel what they are feeling and then touch. Reassure each other that you don't want the disconnection but do want to figure a way to talk and resolve the issue so you can be connected again.
Begin Implementing the Weekly State of the Union Meeting
STAGE 2 HOMEWORK
Together with your spouse, watch this short music video. After watching it, discuss.
Assignments:
Examine and then discuss if you are building your relationship on your life or your life on your relationship.
Discuss together how you can start integrating the Magic 5 hours into your relationship.
STAGE 3 HOMEWORK
Coming Eventually. If you are in Stage 3 and need homework, ask me for some (I may forget to hand it out or you may not need it at this point)
If sexual frustrations have not yet resolved, lets begin discussing this now. Please fill out the following individually and discuss at home and bring it to the next session (Copied with Permission from Penner & Penner "Restoring the Pleasure")
DEFINING YOUR SEXUAL BARRIER
Completing this form will give each of you time to individually sort out how you
experience your dilemma. Sharing your responses with each other may clear up
differences that neither of you realized. Use this structure to individually reflect
on your difficulty and then listen carefully and actively clarify as you share with
each other.
What particular sexual difficulty are you experiencing?
How is it affecting you?
How is it affecting your spouse?
When and how did the problem first develop?
What have you done about it (counseling, reading, self-help, etc.)?
Which one of you initiated this process to work on your dilemma?
Masturbation
______ I do
______ I don’t
______ It’s normal
______ It’s okay before marriage
______ I shouldn’t
______ It’s a problem for me
Sexual fantasies are . . .
______ wrong
______ normal
______ okay before marriage
______ okay after marriage
______ a problem for me
Lovemaking is a good experience for me. ______ Yes ______ No Lovemaking
is a good experience for my spouse. ______ Yes ______ No We make love
_____ times a month.
Woman initiates _____ percent of the time.
Man initiates _____ percent of the time.
I wish my spouse would initiate more often. ______ Yes ______ No FOR MEN
I ejaculate prematurely (before she is or I am ready to respond) _____ percent of
the time.
I have difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection _____ percent of the time.
She is orgasmic _____ percent of the time.
She is orgasmic . . .
______ by masturbation
______ by external stimulation
______ during actual intercourse
Does she experience pain during intercourse? If so, what kind?
FOR WOMEN
I am orgasmic _____ percent of the time.
I am orgasmic . . .
______ by masturbation
______ during actual intercourse
Do you experience pain during intercourse? If so, what kind?
He ejaculates prematurely (before he is or I am ready) _____ percent of the time.
He has difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection _____ percent of the time.
FOR MEN AND WOMEN
I would like to enhance the sexual fulfillment of our marriage by working on the
following areas (check as many as desired): _____ frequency of intercourse
_____ variety within the lovemaking experience _____ increased interest for
myself
_____ increased interest for my partner
_____ change in the pattern of initiation
_____ control of ejaculation for the man
_____ orgasmic responsiveness for the woman
_____ ease of gaining and keeping an erection for the man _____ reducing pain
for the woman
_____ general pleasuring of each other’s body
_____ freedom of sexual activity between my partner and me _____ other:
PLAN FOR RETRAINING
1. Compare and discuss the previous three pages.
2. Determine individually and then together which is the most important area
to work on. You may choose several areas. If you do, list them in order of
priority. Decide this together.
GOALS FOR RETRAINING
How would your sex life be different? If sexual retraining is successful, what
would your sex life be like after the retraining?
Husband’s:
Wife’s:
Compare your personal goals and decide on joint goals.
More Coming Soon!