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Do you want to improve your relationship or perhaps you are experiencing relationship distress with endless and escalated conflict?
Using Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method Couples Therapy Approach I will help you:
*Map the underlying negative cycles of fighting and disconnection
*Learn how to communicate with each other and really hear one another
*Create and restore safety in your marriage or relationship
*Reignite sexual intimacy
*Learn how to enjoy each others company again
*Restore Hope
Why Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?
- This model is the gold standard in terms of empirical support on its effectiveness (up to 70% recovery rate https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-relationships/202101/the-most-effective-couples-therapy-far ).
- It targets the roots of the emotional bond and naturally leads to enhanced communication.
- It doesn't take sides. We work on the process that allows for you both to find a solution to problems (its not me telling you who is right or wrong).
- Other couple therapy approaches have a low rate of long term success.
- It creates the groundwork for healing relationship trauma's such as infidelity.
Get to Know Me. Short Video I made in Grad School on EFT.
Lets get you unstuck from the pattern that has led to the erosion of the closeness you once felt. In my work with couples, I primarily draw from Emotionally Focused Therapy.
The other model I utilize is the Gottman Method Couples Therapy Approach. For the limited amount that do not find full recovery with EFT, I find that Gottman Method skills can often be the answer.
Discernment Counseling or Relationship Direction Counseling
(An Alternative to Couples Counseling)
*I follow a similar process to that which Doherty created but a bit different.
*See Value Statement Below where I clarify my personal stance on Divorce etc..
Experiencing turbulence in your marriage often leads to a pivotal juncture in your life. It's a crossroads fraught with questions like:
What's the best course of action for our relationship?
Is this marital unrest a temporary phase or a more profound crisis?
Am I ready to put effort into mending things?
How can I ensure that my decision is the best one for me, or for both of us?
Are there any unseen issues that I've overlooked?
Is my partner truly capable of changing?
Is it fair to demand change from them if it contradicts their true self?
How will our children be impacted? Would a troubled marriage or a divorce serve them better?
Have I fully understood the implications of a divorce?
Deciding whether to stay married or divorce involves navigating through a complex labyrinth of considerations that can be overwhelming even for the most discerning of individuals.
Such a monumental decision can lead to self-doubt, overthinking, and in some cases, even depression. It may provoke you to make a hasty decision just to escape the torment of uncertainty.
For those trapped in this indecisiveness, discernment counseling can serve as a lifeline.
The Two-Sided Nature of Traditional Marriage Counseling
Traditional marriage counseling can indeed be beneficial if both partners are equally committed to working on their relationship. For it to work, it is a demanding journey, spanning many months, where both partners need to learn and employ new insights and skills to reform their relationship. The commitment must be unwavering; if one partner hesitates from the onset, it might cripple the process. If one partner does not engage in shifting perspectives, it will stall the progress.
Individual Therapy: A Partial Solution
One partner might choose to undergo therapy alone. While this could positively influence the marriage dynamic, it's often insufficient. The roots of the issue usually extend deep into the dynamic the couple has established over the years, and breaking the harmful patterns often requires a concerted effort. Further, some individual approaches can work against the relationship with rigid boundaries that do not allow the risk reach reassure process that is essential for restoring a love bond.
The Path of Discernment Counseling
If you find yourself uncertain about the future of your marriage, discernment counseling could be the answer. Its primary objective is not to fix your marital issues, but to determine if they are fixable. From there you can proceed on one of three paths:
Path One: Maintaining the Status Quo - This is the path of inaction or continuation of the marriage as it currently stands. In this scenario, the couple decides not to make any drastic changes and to continue with their current patterns of interaction.
Path Two: Separation/Divorce - This path involves deciding to end the marriage. It's chosen when one or both partners feel they cannot continue in the relationship and believe the healthiest choice for them is to separate or divorce.
Path Three: Commitment to Change - This is the path of reconciliation and active work on the marriage. Here, both partners decide to commit to a structured and intensive process of couples therapy, often for a specified period, to try and resolve their issues and rebuild their relationship. This path typically involves ongoing couples therapy and requires both partners to actively engage in change.
Unlike traditional marriage counseling, which generally aims to salvage the marriage, discernment counseling concentrates on helping couples decide their relationship's future.
Discernment counseling offers:
A structured assessment process, not treatment
A predetermined time, typically less than five sessions
A chance to slow down, take a broader view of your marriage, and consider a wider range of choices
An opportunity to get unstuck and move forward
A focus on key areas each spouse needs to address, providing clear direction for future therapy
A question to ponder: "Are you willing to work on changing your contributions to the marriage?"
A set time to reflect on the issues and choose 1. the Status Quo, 2. to work on the Marriage, 3. to proceed with Divorce.
If both partners state they want to proceed with marriage counseling, they can proceed with intense work on their marriage. After six months, they revisit the 3 pathways to ensure movement rather than staying in an endless cycle that inevitably leads to divorce but is prolonged by the status quo or marriage counseling that has not led to a trajectory of changes that is positive.
Even if one spouse decides to end the marriage after five sessions, the process of reviewing the marriage's history and exploring the behaviors that led to the divorce can be beneficial. This reflective process can help you move into future relationships without residual guilt.
Discernment counseling provides a supportive environment, helping both partners make movement to work on the marriage or proceed to divorce rather than remain in a negative relationship that usually, after years, leads to divorce (grey divorce).
Additionally, couples who choose to work on their marriage post-discernment counseling will have identified key areas in the relationship and for each spouse to address, directing future therapy to effect personal and relational changes.
IF Committing to 6 Mos of Couples Counseling:
EXAMPLES OF PERSONAL AGENDAS FOR CHANGE
Husband:
1. More sensitive in words and actions when confronted with a problem, instead of shutting down or getting angry.
2. More assertive in conflict in a constructive manner.
3. Be more present with loved ones.
Wife:
1. Handling anxiety better so as not to get either overwhelmed, then controlling or erupting.
2. Learn how to express my feelings without flooding the other person with too many specifics.
3. Learn how to deal with my panic in a conversation when I feel blocked.
4. Learn how to take better care of myself, including exercising, eating better, and not drinking as much alcohol.
Husband
1. Work on my reactivity so that I can more tolerant, less easily annoyed. Learn the cues to when I get reactive.
2. Take better care of myself and my health, mentally and physically.
3. Live in the present and with focus instead of so much worry and anxiety.
4. Be more persistent, stick things out during rocky times (instead of quitting jobs when things get stressful, which has been a source of stress for the marriage, and quitting an earlier marriage)
Wife
1. Resist overfunctioning, find a healthy level of functioning
2. Accepting differences when I am finding them difficult
3. Being healthier and enjoying my life more
4. Better boundaries and less caretaking
Husband
1. Overall, manage my anxiety in a healthier way, so that:
2. I can fill my own happiness bucket and not be as dependent, and
3. Have more goals and make more decisions
(Nice line: "Anxiety turns off my brain and I shrink into a corner.")
Wife
1. When challenged, be more outward instead of ignoring, internalizing, or creating a barrier.
2. Be more open with emotions, both soft and hard.
3. Be more patient with the pace of my expectations of how things should go. Part of this is to be more spontaneous, not just plan and be frustrated.
4. Be more "dependent," more willing to ask for help, and not try to be everything to everyone.
[She applied these to the marriage and work relationships.]
Wife:
1. Setting boundaries and keeping them.
2. More ability to negotiate differences: not being black and white and not blowing up when I'm hurt or surprised.
3. Find a way to be appropriately helpful to others instead of being dysfunctionally helpful by picking up the pieces for others and then feeling taken for granted and resentful.
Husband:
1. Be honest and truthful at all times, instead of lying to avoid unpleasant situations.
2. Be better able to handle conflict--neither lying nor yelling to get the person to back off.
3. Higher self-esteem so that I can handle criticism without feeling like a failure who is being chopped down, abused and belittled.
4. Communicate better, be able to talk things through and not "go for the jugular."
AGREEMENT TO PURSUE RECONCILIATION
Having decided to try to restore our marriage to health,
• We each commit to an all-out effort over the next six months, with divorce off the table for this period of time.
• We know that this effort will mean working on ourselves individually and as a couple.
• We will try to bring our best selves to this effort, and to treat each other with respect and dignity even when we are upset with each other.
• We promise to not bring up the threat of divorce out of anger or to get the other to go along with something we want.
• We will only confide in people who will support our work on reconciliation.
• If our relationship is not improving, we will raise a concern early rather than keeping silent and planning an exit.
• We will use the resources that can help us succeed, being as flexible as possible with our time and schedules.
______________________________ ____________________________
Signed Signed
Date: _______________________
Values Statement
Values Statement
(Under Construction)
My Stance on Divorce
1. Divorce is usually an attempt to solve a problem that people think can’t be solved in any other way. However, many times it can be solved.
Bible Verse: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." — Romans 12:18
This verse encourages us to seek peace and resolution, implying that divorce is often seen as a last resort when other means of resolving conflict seem impossible.
2. Some divorces are necessary in order to prevent further harm in a destructive relationship.
Bible Verse: "The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion." — Psalm 11:5
This verse highlights God's disdain for violence and harm, supporting the idea that escaping a destructive relationship may sometimes be necessary to prevent further harm.
3. Some divorces are ultimately unavoidable because one party decides on divorce despite the wishes of the other party or one partner makes marriage unsafe.
Bible Verse: "But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." — 1 Corinthians 7:15
This verse acknowledges that sometimes separation is unavoidable, especially when one party chooses to leave, and emphasizes the importance of peace.
4. Some people behave destructively enough over a long time that they lose their claim on their spouse’s commitment.
Bible Verse: "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery." — Matthew 5:32
This verse suggests that persistent destructive behavior, such as sexual immorality, can justify the dissolution of a marriage, as it breaks the marital commitment.
5. However, many of today’s divorces could be prevented if both parties took steps to work on their marriage before it was too late.
Bible Verse: "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." — Mark 10:9
This verse emphasizes the sanctity of marriage and encourages couples to work on their relationship to prevent unnecessary divorces.
My Stance on Marriage (Under Construction)
1. Healthy, life-long marriage has unique value for individuals, families, and communities.
Bible Verse: "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor." — Ecclesiastes 4:9
This verse highlights the benefits of partnership, suggesting that a healthy, lifelong marriage brings unique value to everyone involved.
2. Life-long commitment is especially difficult in today’s throwaway culture.
Bible Verse: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." — Galatians 6:9
This verse encourages perseverance, acknowledging that maintaining a lifelong commitment can be challenging but ultimately rewarding.
3. Children have an important stake in the health and endurance of their parents’ marriage.
Bible Verse: "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him." — Psalm 127:3
This verse underscores the importance of children and implies that their well-being is closely tied to the health of their parents' marriage.
4. Marital commitment brings obligations to work on a troubled marriage before giving up.
Bible Verse: "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." — Ephesians 4:2
This verse encourages patience and love, suggesting that couples have an obligation to work on their marriage before considering separation.
My Stance on Healing (under construction)
1. Human beings have the capacity to move past anxiety, distrust, and hostility and relate to each other from our highest selves.
Bible Verse: "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." — 1 Peter 4:8
This verse speaks to the power of love to heal and overcome negative emotions, suggesting that people can move past difficulties to relate from their highest selves.
2. Restoring a marriage must not come at the expense of one of the partners. Love and fairness must go hand in hand.
Bible Verse: "Do to others as you would have them do to you." — Luke 6:31
This verse emphasizes the importance of fairness and mutual respect, suggesting that both partners' well-being must be considered in the process of restoring a marriage.
**3. Typical marriage counseling available in most communities is not effective enough for many couples on the
brink of divorce, especially when they differ on whether to try to save the marriage.**
Bible Verse: "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." — Proverbs 15:22
This verse underscores the importance of seeking wise counsel, suggesting that specialized and effective marriage counseling is crucial for couples facing significant challenges.
4. The key is whether both spouses want to restore the marriage to health.
Bible Verse: "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" — Amos 3:3
This verse highlights the necessity of mutual agreement and effort, indicating that both spouses must be committed to the process of healing and restoration.
5. When both spouses devote themselves fully and with proper help to restoring their marriage to health, they can usually make it.
Bible Verse: "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." — Philippians 4:13
This verse speaks to the power of faith and determination, suggesting that with mutual commitment and the right support, couples can overcome their challenges and restore their marriage.
The Old Scale Before the Update July 28 2024
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