Couples Counseling
As your Marriage or Relationship therapist we will:
*Map the underlying negative cycles of fighting and disconnection
*Learn how to communicate with each other and really hear one another
*Create and restore safety in your marriage or relationship
*Reignite sexual intimacy
*Learn how to enjoy each others company again
*Restore Hope
Why Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?
- This model is the gold standard in terms of empirical support on its effectiveness (up to 70% recovery rate https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-relationships/202101/the-most-effective-couples-therapy-far ).
- It targets the roots of the emotional bond and naturally leads to enhanced communication.
- It doesn't take sides. We work on the process that allows for you both to find a solution to problems (its not me telling you who is right or wrong).
- Other couple therapy approaches have a low rate of long term success.
- It creates the groundwork for healing relationship trauma's such as infidelity.
Take a Quick Relationship Assessment
ARE-questionnaire.pdfGet to Know Me. Short Video I made in Grad School on EFT.
The homework is split into three stages according to the stage you are in. If you don't the stage your in, ask me.
STAGE 1 HOMEWORK
Review Your Cycle Individually and then Together
Identify the dysfunctional dance
When you find yourself feeling disconnected or there is some tension, what do you do?
Write it down. Do you Probe, blame, get critical, ask questions, interrogate, tell your spouse how to improve, express anger, demand attention, complain or do you shut down, get defensive stonewall, leave, get logical, change the subject, refuse to talk, think about getting away, chase your spouse, freeze, not respond, minimize, focus elsewhere, numb out or something else?
When feeling disconnected or their is tension, "I tend to do_______________________(choose from the list above or with something you identified), often in an attempt to contain the interaction or resolve the feelings of disconnection.
Now, I want you to think about how your actions above are attempts to move towards and away from your spouse.
You move toward your partner by_________________
&
You move away from your partner by______________
Identify how you see your moves and your partners moves.
“The more I_____________________, the more you (your partner) ____________________ , And, then the more I _______________________ and around it goes over.
Once you have identified the cycle, share with your partner. Then, identify how your moves are perceived by your partner (I want you to think their subjective reality that is different from you own).
“The more you (your partner) ____________________, the more I _______________________. And then the more you (your partner) ______________________ and around and round we go.”
Using the emotions chart above, identify some of the emotions you feel when there is tension or disconnection.
“When I feel _____________________, I _____________________,
(hard or hot emotion) (action) And then you (your partner) _________________ and I hear it as a message saying something like ‘_______________________________’ and then I feel (meaning)___________________. And then I ___________________. And around and around we go.”
“When I feel ______________________________, I ________________________ (action). You (your partner) hear this as me sending a message to you that says something like “______________________________________” and you feel ______________________________(meaning) (hard or hot emotion) and then you _____________________ and I think you’re sending me a message (action) message that says something like “_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________”(the meaning/attribution I give to my partner’s response) then I feel __________________________________ and then I ___________________________________. (hard or hot emotion) (action)And around and around we go.”
DISCUSS THE CYCLE
When do you remember this cycle showing up?
Is there anything from your past that may contribute to how you respond to contain the interaction or disconnection?
STOP THE CYCLE
Ok, so you have found yourself in the cycle. Call it out: "we are doing that thing again that keeps us disconnected." Then go to opposite sides of the room.
Slow and when you feel ready, step closer to your partner. 2. Breathe and when you feel ready, step closer to your partner. 3. Look into each others eyes and try and feel what they are feeling and then touch. Reassure each other that you don't want the disconnection but do want to figure a way to talk and resolve the issue so you can be connected again.
Begin Implementing the Weekly State of the Union Meeting
STAGE 2 HOMEWORK
Together with your spouse, watch this short music video. After watching it, discuss.
Assignments:
Examine and then discuss if you are building your relationship on your life or your life on your relationship.
Discuss together how you can start integrating the Magic 5 hours into your relationship.
STAGE 3 HOMEWORK
Coming Eventually. If you are in Stage 3 and need homework, ask me for some (I may forget to hand it out or you may not need it at this point)
If sexual frustrations have not yet resolved, lets begin discussing this now. Please fill out the following individually and discuss at home and bring it to the next session (Copied with Permission from Penner & Penner "Restoring the Pleasure")
DEFINING YOUR SEXUAL BARRIER
Completing this form will give each of you time to individually sort out how you
experience your dilemma. Sharing your responses with each other may clear up
differences that neither of you realized. Use this structure to individually reflect
on your difficulty and then listen carefully and actively clarify as you share with
each other.
What particular sexual difficulty are you experiencing?
How is it affecting you?
How is it affecting your spouse?
When and how did the problem first develop?
What have you done about it (counseling, reading, self-help, etc.)?
Which one of you initiated this process to work on your dilemma?
Masturbation
______ I do
______ I don’t
______ It’s normal
______ It’s okay before marriage
______ I shouldn’t
______ It’s a problem for me
Sexual fantasies are . . .
______ wrong
______ normal
______ okay before marriage
______ okay after marriage
______ a problem for me
Lovemaking is a good experience for me. ______ Yes ______ No Lovemaking
is a good experience for my spouse. ______ Yes ______ No We make love
_____ times a month.
Woman initiates _____ percent of the time.
Man initiates _____ percent of the time.
I wish my spouse would initiate more often. ______ Yes ______ No FOR MEN
I ejaculate prematurely (before she is or I am ready to respond) _____ percent of
the time.
I have difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection _____ percent of the time.
She is orgasmic _____ percent of the time.
She is orgasmic . . .
______ by masturbation
______ by external stimulation
______ during actual intercourse
Does she experience pain during intercourse? If so, what kind?
FOR WOMEN
I am orgasmic _____ percent of the time.
I am orgasmic . . .
______ by masturbation
______ during actual intercourse
Do you experience pain during intercourse? If so, what kind?
He ejaculates prematurely (before he is or I am ready) _____ percent of the time.
He has difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection _____ percent of the time.
FOR MEN AND WOMEN
I would like to enhance the sexual fulfillment of our marriage by working on the
following areas (check as many as desired): _____ frequency of intercourse
_____ variety within the lovemaking experience _____ increased interest for
myself
_____ increased interest for my partner
_____ change in the pattern of initiation
_____ control of ejaculation for the man
_____ orgasmic responsiveness for the woman
_____ ease of gaining and keeping an erection for the man _____ reducing pain
for the woman
_____ general pleasuring of each other’s body
_____ freedom of sexual activity between my partner and me _____ other:
PLAN FOR RETRAINING
1. Compare and discuss the previous three pages.
2. Determine individually and then together which is the most important area
to work on. You may choose several areas. If you do, list them in order of
priority. Decide this together.
GOALS FOR RETRAINING
How would your sex life be different? If sexual retraining is successful, what
would your sex life be like after the retraining?
Husband’s:
Wife’s:
Compare your personal goals and decide on joint goals.
More Coming Soon!
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1. Marriage Counseling Utah
Marriage counseling is a service offered by licensed professionals who have been trained to help couples work out their problems and learn how to communicate effectively. These counselors offer advice and guidance to couples about what they need to do to improve their relationship. If you feel like you need marriage counseling, then you should seek professional help. You may want to consider talking to a counselor if you are having trouble communicating with your partner, feeling depressed, or having difficulty dealing with conflict.
2. Couples Therapy
Couples therapy is a type of counseling that helps couples resolve conflicts and deal with issues that arise in relationships. A therapist may recommend couples therapy if he or she feels that the couple's communication skills are not effective enough to solve their problems. In some cases, couples therapy may be necessary if one member of the couple is experiencing emotional distress or mental illness.
3. Marital Therapy
Marital therapy is a type of couples therapy that focuses on helping couples understand each other and build stronger relationships. A marital therapist may suggest that a couple take classes together to learn how to communicate better. He or she may also recommend that the couple attend group sessions where they can discuss their problems and learn strategies to improve their relationship.
4. Family Therapy
Family therapy is a type of therapy that involves family members working together to resolve problems. A family therapist may recommend that a couple undergo family therapy if they are unable to resolve their differences themselves. Family therapy may also be recommended if one member of the family is suffering from depression or anxiety.
5. Individual Therapy
Individual therapy is a type of psychotherapy that is done privately between a patient and his or her therapist. An individual therapist may recommend that a person undergo individual therapy if he or she is struggling with a specific problem, such as substance abuse, eating disorders, or depression.
6. Psychodynamic Therapy
Psychodynamic therapy is a type of psychological treatment that focuses on the unconscious mind. It is based on Freudian theory and uses psychoanalysis to uncover the roots of behavior. A psychodynamic therapist may recommend that a patient undergo psychodynamic therapy if he or she suffers from severe mood swings, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or phobias.
7. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive behavioral therapy is a type of cognitive therapy that teaches people how to change negative thoughts and behaviors. CBT is often used to treat anxiety, depression, and addictions. A cognitive behavioral therapist may recommend that a client undergo CBT if he or she is suffering from panic attacks, OCD, or insomnia.