Couples Therapy Stage 1

Using Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Stage 1: De escalation of the Cycle/Modifying Conflict and Establishing Safety for Deeper Stage 2 Work

4 Steps:

1. Create a Working Alliance with Both Partners:

• Example Pre-Intervention: The couple feels disconnected and hesitant to share their emotions.

• Objective: Both partners feel heard and understood, creating a safe space for further exploration.

2. Assess Individual, Systemic, and Broader Cultural Dynamics:

• Objective: The therapist and couple gains awareness of attachment influences and how they contribute to their current dynamics.

Me: "Let's explore how your early experiences with your parents and past romantic relationships might be influencing your current dynamics. Understanding these backgrounds helps us see why certain patterns may exist in your relationship." We might do the attachment interview. If you show good awareness, I may also skip this. However, I prefer not to but often will get indication to skip this and get to addressing the disconnection. 

Wife (FA): "I remember one time when I was a kid, I tried to show my dad a drawing I made. He barely looked at it and told me he was too busy. That kind of rejection really hurt."

Husband (DA): "And I remember when my mom passed away, I tried to talk to my dad about how I was feeling. He just said, 'We all have to move on,' and that was the end of it. I felt so alone."

Wife (FA): "I grew up in a household where I had to compete for my parents' attention. My mom was always busy with my siblings, and my dad was often away for work. I had to be louder and more persistent to get noticed."

Husband (DA): "In my family, emotions were rarely discussed. My parents believed in keeping a stiff upper lip. When I tried to express my feelings, I was often told to 'toughen up' or 'get over it.' So, I learned to keep my emotions to myself."

Therapist: "It sounds like, for you, Wife, the need for attention and validation was a way to ensure you were seen and cared for. And for you, Husband, avoiding emotional expression became a way to protect yourself and fit into your family’s expectations."

Wife (FA): "I see how my need for attention might come off as demanding, especially when I feel like I'm being ignored. I get anxious and push harder for a response."

Husband (DA): "And I see how my avoidance can make you feel ignored. I withdraw because I fear being overwhelmed or criticized, but that only makes you push harder, which makes me retreat even more."

Me: "This understanding helps us see that these behaviors are rooted in your past experiences. They're not about each other, but about old wounds and coping mechanisms. Recognizing this can help you both develop more empathy for each other."

3. Identify the Negative Interaction Cycle:

• Example Pre-Intervention: The pursuer criticizes and the withdrawer retreats, leading to escalating conflict.

Example:

Wife (FA): "He never opens up to me!"”nothing I say is ever important to him”

Husband (DA): "She’s always nagging me." “nothing is ever good enough for her”

• Example Post-Intervention: Both partners recognize their roles in the cycle and the emotions driving these behaviors.

Example:

Wife (FA): "I see now that when I push, you pull away."

Husband (DA): "And when I withdraw, it makes you feel more anxious and abandoned."

4. Reframe the Problem in Terms of the Negative Cycle:

Side note: Reframing the problem in terms of the negative cycle and understanding each other's behaviors as attempts to meet ones own needs (as opposed communicate you don’t matter or you don’t measure up) fosters empathy and reduces blame, creating a sense of teamwork. This shift breaks the automatic negative feedback loop, facilitating more vulnerable and open communication. As you both feel safer and more understood, you can develop healthier interaction patterns, replacing conflict with connection and support. Ultimately, this step is crucial for moving from disconnection to a more resilient and emotionally fulfilling relationship. Think of it as a building block.

• Example Pre-Intervention: You see each other as the problem.

• Objective: You see the negative cycle as the common enemy.

Therapist: "Let's dig deeper into how you perceive each other's actions in the context of this cycle. Wife, when you criticize, what are you really seeking?"

Wife (FA): "I guess I’m really just looking for connection and reassurance. I want to know that he cares and that we’re close."

Me: "And Husband, when you withdraw, what are you trying to achieve?"

Husband (DA): “I don’t know, I just don’t want to fight” Me: lets try and figure this out: DA: "I’m trying to avoid conflict and protect myself from feeling overwhelmed. I think if I step back, it will calm things down."

Me: "Now, let’s reframe these actions. Husband, can you see Wife’s criticism as a desire for connection rather than an attack?"

Husband (DA): "Yes, I can see that she’s not trying to hurt me but is actually seeking closeness. Her criticism is her way of asking for my attention and support." This Click changes the DA’s ability to engage and is a game changer. 

Me: "And Wife, can you see Husband’s withdrawal not as rejection but as his way of seeking peace and avoiding conflict?" This is also a game changer and will help you soften your reaching or pursuing, whicyh will be received as less Blamy by the DA and help further the DA’s ability to regulate and engage with you and as he is able to engage with you, you will pursue less and start finding a good balance of accessibility, engagement and responsiveness in the relationship. 

Wife (FA): "Yes, I can see that he’s not trying to ignore me but is trying to manage his own feelings of being overwhelmed for which he learned to do it by shutting down and getting defensive or shoving it down and eventually exploding. He’s seeking calm, not intending to push me away."

Me: "Excellent. Let's practice expressing this understanding to each other."

Wife (FA): "When I criticize, it’s because I’m feeling disconnected and I need reassurance that you care. I’m not trying to attack you."

Husband (DA): "When I withdraw, it’s because I’m trying to avoid conflict and manage my own feelings. I’m not trying to communicate rejection; I just need some space to process because emotions are hard and I learned to not deal with them so to deal with them is a learning curve."

Me: "How does that feel to hear from each other?"

Wife (FA): "It feels relieving to know he’s not pushing me away intentionally."

Husband (DA): "It’s helpful to know that her criticism is really a call for connection and not an attack on me."

Me: "Great. This understanding can help you both break the negative cycle. Instead of seeing each other’s actions as hurtful, you can see them as attempts to meet your own needs and to connect with each other." 

So at this point, you are ready to go deeper. You should have accomplished the following:

Stage 1 Milestones Checklist

1. Both partners should feel safe, heard, and understood in the therapeutic environment (by me).

2. Gain insight into how early experiences and past relationships influence current behaviors and responses to disconnection and conflict (if you felt you didn’t have this; the attachment interview is used for this and can be done at any time).

3. Recognize the negative cycle you both get caught in and understand how your actions contribute to it (assigning more blame to one partner is not helpful and a negative cycle even if initially started by one gets co contributed to).

4. Reframe each other's behaviors not as personal attacks but as attempts to meet underlying emotional needs.

5. With this awareness, be able to empathize with each other's feelings and validate their experiences, reducing triggers and emotional reactivity.

6. Use the understanding and empathy gained to interrupt the negative cycle and start engaging in more supportive and constructive ways.